The names of boyfriends past & present and any and all characters in my life have been reduced to initials and nicknames to protect their identity.
Today, I have had another epiphany. All of my self-improvement books tell me to not accept anything less than what it is I am after when it comes to finding a husband. They tell me to make it very clear that I have a time frame from within which I will allow myself to spend time getting to know a man, and that after that time frame, if he is not ready to commit, I need to make hard decisions as to whether or not he is worth my having to waste any more of my precious time before moving on and exploring other options. I tried that method. It doesn't work any more than it worked sticking it out with R.P. for 7 years, patiently waiting for commitment, all the while playing adoring housewife.
S.S. Love sent me the words of the Corinthians the other day. The words I have always cherished, but I honestly don’t believe a single one of us truly lives by. About love being patient, kind, not jealous and the like. We are all guilty of fighting AGAINST those words in our love relationships on a daily basis. Somehow, we get caught up in our own selfishness and desires that we forget we're fighting so hard against our lovers in the efforts to keep them. We're digging our own graves of destiny. And most importantly, we're hurting the ones we love by robbing them of our own full potential to love and be the best persons we can be for our loved ones.
Here's the thing. I did not settle for my prior loves because I knew that something wasn't right…they didn't truly love me. Marrying for LOVE has always been on my utmost list of priorities, and somewhere with my urgent and all-consuming desire to be a loving, devoted wife…I've realized that I can very potentially wind up in a situation where I’m awfully unhappy. I don't want that for myself OR the man I marry. I want to marry one day for love and I want us both to be sure…be strong and able to withstand the test of time…the dance of marriage ups and downs until the day we die…still loving one another like no other.
Many people may snicker at this. Sounds like a fairy tale dream doesn't it? Well look, I know that all is not peachy-dandy in marriage. But once upon a time, people didn't give up and quit so easily. Once upon a time…people gave devotion to one another and stood by one another, upholding the value of those vows they once exchanged under God's watch. My Grandparents are a living truth of those tales. They are proof, that love DOES still exist. Faithful devotion and dedication…honest hard core commitment. And I want so desperately to carry on that tradition.
And so, rather than pressuring the man I am in love with…I will wait and give him his time….the time that he needs…to be sure of me. Of us. And so long as I'm still in love with him…it will be this way. One thing is for sure…you can't really be in love and just give up and walk away. Love is patient. Love is not selfish.
And one day, when I marry the man who will marry me…he will know that I love him. Because he will know that I have waited for HIM.
